How to Help Others When They Continue to Engage in Self-Defeating Behaviors

Watching someone you love struggle with self-destructive behaviors can be exhausting and heartbreaking. You’ve offered advice, given support, and even lost sleep worrying about them—only to see them continue down the same path. Maybe they’re drinking too much, trapped in toxic relationships, or making choices that only lead to more pain. Despite your best efforts, nothing seems to change.

So, what do you do? Do you keep trying, even when it feels like you’re hitting a wall? Or do you walk away and protect your own peace? The answer isn’t always simple, especially when the person is a close friend or family member. Completely cutting ties may not be practical—or even what you truly want. Instead, there is another path: setting boundaries while still offering support.

My Father-in-Law’s Battle with Alcohol

My father-in-law struggled with alcoholism for years. I had numerous conversations with him about the dangers of drinking, not just for his own health but for the sake of his family. I told him I wanted him to be around for his grandchildren—to see them grow, to be part of their lives. I even took him to a workshop on healing the wounded child, hoping he would find something in it that spoke to him.

But despite all my efforts, nothing changed. He continued drinking. Every heartfelt conversation, every moment of concern, every attempt to help—it all felt like it fell on deaf ears. It was painful to watch, and even more painful to realize that no matter how much I cared, I couldn’t make the decision for him.

Eventually, I had to accept that his battle with alcohol was his own to fight. I couldn’t carry that weight for him. It didn’t mean I stopped caring, but I had to stop exhausting myself trying to change someone who wasn’t ready to change.

A Celebrity Who Faced a Similar Battle

My father-in-law’s story isn’t unique. Even famous figures have struggled with the cycle of self-destructive behavior. One of the most well-known cases is Robert Downey Jr. Before becoming the beloved actor we know today, he battled severe drug and alcohol addiction.

Throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, Downey’s career and personal life spiraled out of control due to his substance abuse. He was arrested multiple times, checked in and out of rehab, and even served time in jail. His friends and family stood by him, but they also had to set boundaries. At one point, his father, who had struggled with addiction himself, realized that he couldn’t continue to enable his son’s choices.

Downey’s turnaround didn’t happen overnight. It took years of struggle, multiple setbacks, and finally a personal decision to change. Now, he’s one of Hollywood’s biggest comeback stories, proving that while help and support matter, the desire to change must come from within.

How to Help Without Losing Yourself

If you’re dealing with someone who refuses to change, remember:

1. Accept That You Are Not Their Savior – You can love them, support them, and encourage them, but you cannot fix them.

2. Set Clear Boundaries – Protect yourself emotionally by defining what you will and won’t accept.

3. Offer Support, Not Solutions – Sometimes, listening without judgment is more powerful than giving advice.

4. Take Care of Yourself – Don’t let their struggles consume your life. Find your own sources of strength.

5. Recognize When to Step Back – Sometimes, distance is the most loving thing you can offer.

   
   

If you find yourself having a difficult time not losing yourself after trying these helpful tips, it might be a good idea to seek counseling from a qualified professional like Dr. Jorge Correa. Speaking with someone who understands can provide you with the tools to set healthy boundaries, process your emotions, and find peace amid the chaos.

Helping someone who won’t help themselves is one of the hardest emotional battles you can face. But you don’t have to lose yourself in the process. Change happens when the person is ready—not when you’re ready for them to change. Until then, all you can do is love them while protecting your own peace.